Back with avenge ants!

Sooooo, it was some three years ago that I created a blog out of the perceived need to have someplace to write that was quasi-public. I don't know what prompted this desire. I suppose the slow, rising realization that I wanted to write. To be a writer. To write enough and in the right kinds of venues that I might be considered a writer.

Well, to my chagrin I learned that I didn't (yet) qualify. You see, writers aren't so "meta" when they produce. They generally focus of things of substance and don't refer to the writing that's being written all the time. This is the mark of an amatuer--or perhaps a saboteur. Well, at least someone who doesn't have it all down quite yet.

The last couple of months in my life have felt like crossroads to me. Of course, this isn't the first time I've had this feeling. But being in a foreign, having a relationship, playing in a band, doing a job I don't want to continue doing for year--it all adds up to a big question mark. And that question is "who the fuck am I?"

Reading a book on creativity recently (entitled "Creativity" by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi) has given my profound insight into the nature of creative people, people who change domains, invent things, put out a lot of work. Essentially, creative people are those people who are inherently dedicated to their art, craft, domain, career. They are not motivated by external rewards like money or fame, although these things can be sweet. They are not deterred by unfortunate events or by criticisms or sickness. Their work is THE driving force in their lives and they live it as such.

To be such a person, it seems, is not a choice. They seem different from the rest of us, besieged by a dedication so ardent that society almost always views them as strange, odd, bizarre. The fruits of their labors are the product of years upon years of hard work, learning the rules of the domain, swimming in the waters of the field and then, as if by some radical coup de grace, rebelling against these rules and creating new things--new ways of playing, new avenues of exploration, new rules about the structures of things. We tend to consider these people "geniuses". But we should not be tricked into thinking that these individuals exceed us in intellect. In fact they succeed most everyone else in Will.

Knowing what I now know about how creative people operate--that they spend most of their time thinking and working, focused on problems; that they don't waste time on unproductive things; that they are hard-working and tenacious; that they are usually brilliant at least--it feels that for me to make a mark in any domain is like pulling down the sky. It can't be done. But the ingredients are so seductively simple--hard work, energy, love. And knowing what I know about the radical Will-- that we all are endowed with any attitude we choose to view life with, which implies that our actions can change as well--I am instilled with hope that, with Will and action I may achieve truly great things.

I have started a regimen of exercise, diet, study, practice, and focused writing which I am still working to perfect. But the point is that the work will never end and one must love the work one does. We don't wake up every day hoping to see the beautiful sunset at the end. In the same way, we shouldn't live life hanging on past achievements or future promises. All that matters is luxuriating in the moment, and this includes work. If my attitude towards work becomes one that is positive, if I'm confident that what I am engaged in is leading to what I want....But even that is a perilous thought!! If I am engaged in it, is IS what I want. If I am not sure about the outcome, that shouldn't matter. The confidence of a creative person is omnipresent, omnipotent. It pervades the activities they do.

And as I write this I get a sense of strength and know that, if I write tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next, I develop a positive feedback loop that can bring me to the place of artistry I seek. To not succumb to idleness or entropy, to not sit around when there is beautiful work to be done, marks to be etched upon the walls of life, this is the fiat I hear in my head these days.

So I say I am back, but in truth I was never here before. This is new ground, a new day, and a more compelling voice that speaks to me and tells me what I need to do with my time, with my life.